Zen Out of Place

This first month of school has been all kinds of stressful. Classes five days a week and two part-time jobs doesn’t really leave me with any personal time. As the second month of school begins, I decided I needed to dedicate more time to myself. If I don’t schedule in a few hours to relax, I might explode. Today was the day I put this notion into action!

I looked up the gym schedule to see when they had yoga. Some peaceful music, stretching, and deep breathing – I thought this would be the perfect way to forget everything for a quick hour. 6:30 was the time the class was scheduled for.


I arrived at the Gym super early.  I had never been to this particular location before so I wanted to make sure I had enough time to find where I was going. I double-checked with the girl at the front desk that yoga was in fact at 6:30 and headed to the change room when it was confirmed. As I walked into the change room, I didn’t know where to go. You know how when you’ve been to a gym before, you know your way around? Know you like the locker in the corner at the back? Walking through here was a maze. It took me a whole 5 minutes to even find the bathroom.

When I finally got there, I couldn’t help but smile. I felt like Piper Chapman would be proud. However, the woman fixing her hair by the mirrors was the opposite of proud. Her ‘girrrrrrrlwhatchyousoexcitedfor’ face reminded me that this was only the bathroom, not Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. I quickly pulled myself together.


After changing and going down an escalator – yes this gym has an escalator – I found myself in the middle of about 600 treadmills, literally. As I looked around, all I could see were intense workout faces. People everywhere moving a thousand miles a minute. And not only that, but they looked perfect as they did it. I didn’t see sweaty hairlines; red faces or exhausted looks anywhere. I honestly started to think I walked into Globo Gym. I was waiting for Whit…e Goodman aka. Ben Stiller to walk past me.


While I didn’t see White Goodman anywhere, I’m about 80% sure I walked past Rob Ford. I don’t know if I was imagining it, but the guy even had a bodyguard…well it might have been a personal trainer – they both wear all black, so it’s hard to tell the difference. It could have just been a body guard in gym wear? I’m putting too much thought into this.

After (maybe) seeing Rob Ford, I finally found my way to the group-exercise rooms. There was a hot yoga room and a regular room. I sat down on the bench outside and soon people started crowding around. There were a few in flip flops and yoga mats, which told me I was in the right place. As 6:28 hit, the rooms started emptying out. I waited for everyone to leave and scurried into the regular temperature yoga class.


I walked into the classroom and couldn’t find yoga mats. They had those squishy ‘let’s do sit-up’ ones, but those aren’t right. Damn, this must be a class where everyone brings their own. I had left mine at home, not wanting to lug it to school with me. Using my Nancy Drew ways, I spied a blue mat in the corner near the weights. I quickly grabbed it, laid it out and looked around the room.

No one had laid down their mat. Now that I realized, no one even had a yoga mat. There was one woman beside me who also laid one out – but we were the lone soldiers.

Maybe the teacher talks before class? Maybe they just do it straight on the wood floors. I mean, it does look pretty clean. While my mind raced with all the possibilities, I was interupted by the perfectly scultped teacher loudly saying “WELCOME TO CARDIO KICKBOXING!”

……Cardio Kickboxing? I looked down at my sock-less feet, awkwardly shoved into converse I thought I was about to take off. I had no socks, no water bottle & no hair tie. I wanted to breathe and stretch. I quickly peered out the glass in between my class and the hot yoga studio. Within seconds my dreams of deep breathing, relaxation and no sweat vanished.


Very quickly became this:

Unlike lone soldier numero dos who slipped out upon hearing the word cardio, I decided to stay. I really don’t know why. But I did.


IT’S ONLY BEEN TEN MINUTES? I was already dripping like a popsicle on a hot day and as bright as chili pepper. How was the girl beside me still skin colour?

Kay. I can do this. Only 45 minutes to go.

Block, uppercut, knee, block, uppercut, knee.


Block, uppercut, knee, block, uppercut, knee.

I could feel blisters forming on my un-socked feet.

Block, uppercut, knee, block, uppercut, knee.


I ran out the door, quickly located the nearest water fountain and was back in the game in no time.

Oh no, now we were doing jump sumo squats. Why does one need to jump and sumo squat at the same time? This was not attractive. I was glad I had positioned myself at the back of the room away from any prying eyes.

The teacher was counting down from eight. We were on three. Sweet – only two more. I faked the last one thinking we were done, but as I stopped jumping she soon shouted something I didn’t quite hear and the ENTIRE class turned to face me. When did this turn into the Macarena?

After faking a coughing episode during the Macarena incident, I was safe. To keep to my lie, I made sure to cough a few times throughout the rest of the class. I got a few stares from the flawless fitties, but all in all I’m pretty sure they bought it.


I don’t know how I did it, but I was almost halfway through this class. Four for me glen coco! As I did about seventy front kicks and continuos skipping, I really started to feel like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. I even started to do some speed ball air punches. Right as I got into it, the teacher started stretching. As we stretched I noticed there were about 40 people standing outside the classroom, staring right at us. I felt like a caged in animal. I quickly turned my brain on and realized that this must only be a 30-minute class.

I EVE SHARABI – who hasn’t kick boxed since grade 9, didn’t have proper shoes on, planned on stretching and breathing – SOMEHOW GOT THROUGH AN ENTIRE CARDIO KICKBOXING CLASS. As I walked back into the change room I quickly caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. While I felt like a million dollar baby, I looked like I had just been in a street fight & Clint Eastwood was nowhere to help me out.