In my first year of university, I made a friend. Becky was gorgeous, gregarious, and all-around flawless. When we had a class together, I was initially excited: I get to learn about my favourite subjects with one of my favourite people! Until I realized that the class was in Kerr Hall, and that I would be lucky to ever see her again. And I was right. Becky disappeared two weeks into class. Rumours circulated about her swift disappearance, but I knew the real reason: Kerr Hall had eaten her.
Every year, over almost .003% of Ryerson students go missing and it seems to be the issue on campus that no one was talking about until today. The Committee for Returning Ryerson’s Registrants is applying for funding through the Board of Governors to look deeper in the phenomenon that is eating up our students. While $16 million may seem like a hefty number, there must be a reason for it. I don’t know, but I mean, they couldn’t just ask for all this money without having a good reason, right?
It’s estimated that almost 130 students this year have made Kerr Hall their permanent residence, with evidence being found in the vending machines that are perpetually empty and the Tim Hortons lineup that will never end. We do not know where they sleep, or if they have evolved past sleeping. Thanks to the glory that is Wi-Fi, we can see that these students are what we like to call “self-motivated learners” and are still finishing their courses (and paying their tuition!), without ever finding their way out of Kerr Hall. One of the most interdisciplinary groups at Ryerson, the Kerr Hall Schlockers have at least two representatives from every program in our school.
This is where the RRR comes into the picture. Dedicated not only to ensuring the safety of Ryerson students as they traverse through the minefield, they want to help Ryerson students by solving what we all like to call “Ryerson Problems.”
If you assume that you are being lost in Kerr Hall, and that this is the end, try not to cry. When you end up crying, try to call your family. When you curse your phone being dead due to an unhealthy obsession with whatever app is making waves this week, lie down and accept your fate. Apparently the crew of students that reside there are incredibly friendly and barring that, there are often treats.
A Town Hall meeting has been scheduled by concerned student groups, to discuss the issue, where a psychic is being hired, and we will be trying to communicate with these students telepathically. Failing that, we will be throwing radios down each hallway and hoping that a student will stumble upon them. If this sounds like something you are interested in, or you also miss your dear friend Becky, they welcome everyone on the condition that you leave a breadcrumb trail to help find your way back.
